For Us
by MaureenJohnson97
Summary: Maureen and Joanne's continuing story POST production. Starts when Maureen and Joanne get back to their flat. Written from Maureen's perspective however it's very different. Please review! This is from the productions storyline and therefore the engagement didn't happen! That will help a little for you to understand. Rated T for suggestive language and themes.
1. Chapter 1

For Us

"Joanne?"

"Yes baby?"

"I'm scared." I surprise myself. I don't think I have ever shown emotion to anyone before. Why do I trust her so much? We have been on and off for nearly a year now.

"Maureen?" Joanne sounds surprised. Almost as if she was asking if I had become ill all of a sudden. She started to smile as though I was joking. Then she realised I was serious. There's a still, heavy silence. I sit there in our flat, silent. Joanne sits silently. She's sat cross-legged at the other end of the sofa. She looks perfect despite her hair falling in odd angles from me playing with it. She is always perfect. However, I am not. I'm not the strong person everyone expects me to be. She knows about my eating disorder. But it's not a disorder as such… It's just a problem with food. I don't like food. Simple as that. She tells me not to starve myself, she tells me I won't throw up but sometimes I don't want to eat. That's not a disorder, that's just not hungry. She doesn't agree.

"I'm just… Erm… Well… I'm just scared that we might lose Mimi." This wasn't really what I wanted to say but put a more sombre look back on Joanne's face. She somehow knew I was lying. The sombre look faded fast as I glanced down at the table. Tears start to gently spill from my eyes. I don't like to cry. The only other time I've cried in front of people was at Angel's funeral… I didn't want to recreate that. That was acceptable. One of my best friends had just died. I think that's a fair reason to cry.

"Honey-bear, I know we've not been close recently but-"

"Pookie-" I interrupt her hoping to assure her that I'm fine.

"Hear me out? Baby, I can tell when you're upset. I need you to talk to me? Can you do that?" Joanne moves closer to me across the sofa. She shifts herself so that she's sat right in front of me. She cups my cheek and looks at me. I have no choice but to cave. She's got me under her thumb.

"But I'm fine, really Joanne, I just had a moment. I'm not scared. I'm upset that we nearly lost her. I'm okay." But my voice began to falter… I'm a fine actress, but a terrible liar. Joanne smiles softly at me. Her hand slips down from my face to my waist. She snakes her other hand round me and pulls me in to hug. Joanne's perfection makes me feel safe and at home. I am home, but it hasn't felt like home since we've been arguing. The protest was a bad idea.

Joanne's dark eyes stare straight into mine as she pulls out of the hug. She tilts her head slightly, pulls a sympathetic smile and leans in. I lean back slightly thinking she's going to kiss me. She doesn't.

"What's wrong baby?" she leans on her elbow against the sofa.

"I just… Don't want to be kissed right now…" my voice trails away trying not to offend her.

"I wasn't leaning in to kiss you! Oh Maureen, I wanted to see your eyes!" she looks as me with sheer innocence, and a slight hint of cheek. This was obviously a little funny to her.

"You… Oh? Right… Why?" What difference are my bloody eyes going to make? I look back at her confused wondering where she is planning to go with this. I look straight at her, none the less, to let her see my eyes.

"They're misty. Maureen, baby, what are you thinking?" her sympathetic look comes back as she begins to rub me knee for comfort. I grab her hand to stop her and hold on to it. Her hand is warm and soft. I feel her fingers between mine somehow soothing; I'm not just Maureen. The world is for us, not for Maureen or Joanne. It's for Maureen and Joanne.

"Do you really want to know?" I feel my face finally flush with embarrassment from the previous statement about the kiss and the concept of telling Joanne what is really in my head.

"Yes honey-bear, I really want to know." Joanne begins to rub my hand with her thumb, like a mother may do to sooth a child.

"Tonight… tonight I was scared to lose Mimi. After Angel it got a little too much…" I consider leaving it there but Joanne's eyes peer directly into mine as if to tell me to carry on. They seem to tell me its ok to talk. So I continue, "You know, ha, this is silly…"

"No, baby, its not. Carry on." She softly re-arranges me so that I'm closer to her, cuddling onto her. At least now I'm not peering at my fingers or avoiding her eye contact. It doesn't matter if I end up crying now. She can't see me.

"Okay," I continue, speaking out from her chest almost as she rests her arm softly around me, while I play with her other hand nervously. "See we lost Angel… and we nearly lost Mimi… How long is it till we lose Roger or Collins or I… Or I lose you?" I feel a tear swell up in my eye. I can't cry.

Joanne moved her arm from me, hoists me up so I'm almost sat on her knee.

"Maureen, you don't think you will ever lose me? Do you?" She looks almost shocked but sympathetic. As though she's never seen me fear before… I wince slightly as she moves in to stroke my hair. "Honey-bear, why are you so scared?" She rests her hand gently on my shoulder. I'm not sure I want it there right now but it's comforting to an extent so I leave it.

"I'm not scared… I just…" I glance down. My cheeks flush. I start to cry.

"Baby, you're terrified! Look, you're shaking." She takes hold of my hand. Joanne's soft fingers slip hold of mine. I am shaking. I only feel it when being held against her steady grip. I watch as a tear falls to splash on the back of her hand. I try to wipe it off but she won't let go of me.

"Pookie… Joanne, I'm scared of crying." I sit stunned. I can't quite believe I've told her.

"Maureen, why are you scared of crying? We all do it baby!" Joanne wipes away my tears gently.

"But… I don't cry. I never used to. I used to just pretend everything's fine. I had other ways of dealing with things. I knew what I wanted and I acted as though it's all fine as my way of dealing with it. But now I cry. I shouldn't cry and I don't want to cry. If you cry in public people ask 'what's wrong?' and what if I don't really want to tell them what's going through my head? If no one see's you cry… doesn't it have the effect of when a tree falls and no one hears it? Does anyone care if a tree falls over when there is no one there? There is no one to care. If no one see's me cry, there is no one to ask why I'm crying and then I don't need to tell anyone. I'm scared of crying because I'm scared to tell. I'm scared of being myself…" My face is bright red. I feel it hot and wet from tears. I can't see clearly anymore. Look… it's me… Maureen Johnson. Crying.


	2. Chapter 2

I've woken up on the sofa. Still lying on Joanne, I lift my head to look at the time on the radio on the side of the kitchen counter. My head begins to throb purely from moving it. I put my head back down gently on Joanne's legs for comfort. She wakes up slowly with the same idea. She turns to look at the time and reads it out. Probably noticing I'm awake from the uncomfortable movement back onto her leg and a painful groan.

"4:24am… Are you kidding me? Honey, shall we go to the bed? This is not comfortable." Joanne mutters in my direction. She's still groggy. I quietly whisper back.

"My head kills Joanne…" I remain perfectly still in order not to cause myself any more pain. Joanne takes my hand in hers and strokes it. "Baby, I know this is incredibly uncomfortable, but just stay here for another five minutes with me? My head is throbbing." Joanne shuffles a little just to find her balance.

"Yes honey-bear, you know why your head hurts don't you?"

"Because I've been lying on your lap in a strange position since around 1am?" I continue to lie with my eyes shut.

"No baby, although that's not helped. Honey-bear, you did it! You opened up to me." I feel her hand rest on my head. A wave of horror strikes over me. She's carrying on to say something about being proud of me… I can't listen.

"What did I say?" I launch up, feel dizzy and collapse back on the sofa again. "No, Joanne! I didn't! Did I?"

"Darling, it's not bad! Breathe! And, for goodness sake keep your head still! Stop moving around, you will make it worse baby." Joanne sits down gently next to me. She cups my head in her hands so I'm looking directly at her. I squeeze shut my swollen eyes to stop her from seeing me cry. It's too late. Tears are burning down my face. The pain from my head is too much. I'm crying again. "Mo, lets find you some aspirin shall we?" Joanne rests my head gently on the back of the sofa, slowly gets up and searches for the aspirin and water. I stay put as though she's got me stuck in a trance. I can't bear to move. "Got it. Baby, take this and we will put you to bed. Okay? Listen to me Maureen, you are beautiful." I take it from her and take the medication, the water makes me feel a little ill but I drink it anyway. I completely ignore the compliment; I would usually do some stupid gesture to shake off the fact that I'm incredibly hurt by being called 'beautiful'. Joanne is beautiful. I'm not. Joanne sits back down next to me resting my head into her neck. She feels cold against my burning hot forehead. She presses a small gentle kiss into my hair as though it will make it all better. I wish it had.

I start to play with Joanne's fingers again, my head hurts less and the panic about opening up to her is subsiding. I love her, so I should be able to speak to her. I'm an actress, it's just telling my own story. But that's the exact problem. It's my story. That means being myself… I can't do that. I am the cause of trouble. I hurt people. Look at the way I hurt Mark. He doesn't deserve me clinging on to him. I stayed with him to use him, in a way, and once he was gone I was lonely. I couldn't even tell him that I liked girls! I'd have had no one left when he kicked me out, but I had Joanne. Do I live off other peoples love? I can't be my own person, I know that much. All because I'm scared of myself. Pathetic.

Joanne lifts her head from mine, interrupting my thoughts.

"Okay Mo, are you well enough to creep off to bed now? Sorry darling but I need to go or I'm going to fall asleep again, I need to be up at 7 for work."

Dang it. I forgot. Joanne works. She wakes up at stupid hours but its better than I've got. Well, I can't complain. Or shouldn't complain. I have more than I see myself to deserve. This goes through my head in a split second. Before I give me most ridiculous answer known on earth. Improvisation is not my forte anymore.

"Joanne, do we have to?" I sound like a child. Ha! Maureen strikes again.

"You can stay on a cold, broken sofa if you would like, although I am going into the nice big, comfy, convivial bed." Her answer was clever. Needless to point out but my head points it out prominently anyway. Joanne takes my hand, helps me up and leads me to the bed. My head is still throbbing. "I love you Maureen. I really love you."

"I love you too pookie." I cuddle up to her warm body and we drift off almost instantly. I can't keep my eyes open any longer.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

RING RING RING!

"Oh Pookie, turn it off!" I whine, snuggling into Joanne as if it will block out the noise. She turns it off and puts her arm around me.

"It's okay baby, do back to sleep, I should be home by about 2 ish so hang out till then." She slips away from me and I'm left in the bed on my own. It feels cold without her. Joanne turns the side lamp on just so she can see what she is doing. Joanne wanders into the bathroom, doesn't bother to shut the door, and begins to brush her beautiful hair tidy and begins to put on her make up. I stare in awe at her beauty. She doesn't need make up but when she puts it on she's becomes more confident in. That makes her breathtaking. The confidence, not the makeup. Once she is happy with her own reflection she wanders back into the bedroom and picks up her chosen clothes for the day. A smart black jumper top and her back trousers, which pull just tight over her bum just a tiny bit, are selected from the closet. The trousers pull tight enough for me to give it a quick glance before she notices. Once she is dressed and ready she packs her brief case quickly and lowers herself to the bed to give me a kiss before she leaves. I pretend to be asleep.

Once Joanne has left and I know she is gone I slide out of bed. It's still only 8am but I get up anyway. Shower myself and get dresses. Put on my dark red lipstick and apply my eye make up (after removing the smeared make up from last night that I had forgotten about). I change into some simple black trousers and a white tank top. I slip my cheap leather coat over the top, pull on my socks and my boots and walk out the door. I refuse to stay home. I don't want to be alone.

After a little while I find myself sitting in a small green area in the classier part of New York. Joanne's beautiful laugh and smile and face just whisk through my head almost making me want to cry. Why can't I look like her? Ugh, if I could just listen to what she said last night I would be fine now, but no. I'll sit here instead and mentally torture myself. It's easier to just accept my failure.

The wind blows hard running strait down my neck and down my spine. It makes me shiver rapidly; I get up and continue walking. My eyes are beginning to hurt from the cold wind blowing into them. I blink a few times and duck my head to shelter from the wind. I finally end up in a small motel just down the road from Joanne's Law firm where she works. I sit down and buy myself a coffee. A small young lady walks up to the table, she looks around 15 or 16. She whispers quietly to me.

"Um, there are no other seats… Well I mean there are but that creepy man over there keeps giving me funny eyes… So I thought…" He voice trails away so I can't hear it anymore.

"Yeah, sure, come sit here. Pretend you're with me. That way he wont hurt you. So what's your name?" Surprised at my calmness in a situation that, if that had been me as the younger girl, I would have been crying.

"Paiton. I'm Paiton. Thank you…" She seemed to be more at ease than when she came trembling to my table.

"I'm Maureen. Nice to meet you Paiton, do you want something to drink?"

"I have some money thanks, I'll get myself one."

"Do you want me to come?"

"Yes please." She seems to have calmed down and I pick myself up and lead her over to the bar to get a drink.

"What brings you hear alone anyway, Paiton?" I try to start conversation in order to put her at ease, although I begin to feel nervous. Okay Maureen, act.

"I was meant to meet my… Um… Friend. But when I got here they rang me to say that they're not here and Mum can't come get me till she's finished at work." I breathe in slowly at her explanation.

"Who's this 'friend' then?" I surprise myself and I let her sit down back next to me once she's got her drink I wouldn't usually be able to hold up a conversation with a stranger on my own. I need familiars around me. This isn't familiar. I'm not sure how to get home.

"My… boy…friend…" She hangs her head. Playing with her fingers.

"Ah I see… so what's his name?" She looks startled at my question. I go back on it. "Sorry, um, so your Mum doesn't know?"

"Well… no."

"Why not?" It seems like a stupid question, when did I ever tell my parents anything? But I ask it anyway. Not everyone's the same as me.

"Well… The name… Its… Oh don't freak out or anything… I don't even know… It's just…" I interrupt her.

"You don't have to tell me. Just a question." I put my hand on hers. She is beginning to shake. I feel a strange tingly feeling through me. I know what it is to be scared. Somehow I wish I could protect her.

"Thanks…"

"Well, shall I tell you a little bit about me then? Take your mind off it?" Again I jolt at my confidence in saying this. She nods a little. "I am Maureen, I'm an actress… I live in a flat with my girlfriend Joanne and-" She cuts me off.

"Your girlfriend?" She doesn't sound rude, more questioning. A rush of excitement goes through me. She's asking about Joanne. Yes! I no longer have to focus on myself!

"Yes, Joanne, she's a lawyer. And she-" She cuts me off again.

"You have a girlfriend? So you won't freak? Um well… May…"

"May…?" I slowly question what she's implying.

"Yes, the person I was waiting to meet!"

"So this is why your Mum doesn't know?"

"Well yes and-" The door opened and we both looked. Joanne stood in the doorway. My mind goes into utter panic. She told me to stay put!

"Maureen?" Her voice is soft as she instantly spots me.

"Joanne, I know you-"

"Honey-bear, what brings you down here?"

I don't answer. I can't rightly tell her that I got lost and ended up wanting a coffee because I was frozen to the bone. She would want me to give a sensible answer such as 'I was walking into town and decided to stop for a coffee.' Nothing comes out of my lips. My face drops. She sees I'm lost.

"Who's this?"

"Its Paiton, that guy over there was giving her a look so she came to sit here… I didn't mind…"

"Ah I see… Look, baby, do you know the way home?"

"Well…"

"Come back with me. I've just finished at the office." She turns to Paiton. "Darling, is someone coming for you?"

"Yeah, Mum should be here any minute."

"Alright, we will wait with you till then. Hi I'm Joanne." Joanne reaches out to shake the young girls hand. Paiton takes it and shakes her hand politely. At that moment the door opens again. I tall woman resembling the young lady sat just beside me. She wanders over to us.

"Paiton, who are these people? I told you not to talk to strangers!"

"Mum-" I see the panic she's been thrown into.

"Oh well she was getting a funny look from that dodgy looking man over there so I let her come and sit over here just to avoid him. It's all right; she just got a drink, her friends not here. Are you alright now? He didn't scare you too much did he?" I say turning to her.

"No thank you for helping me… Um I should go home now." With no word from her Mum she gets up to leave. Smiling slightly at me to say thank you. Joanne immediately jumps in as soon as Paiton and her Mother are gone.

"Maureen. Talk to me honey."

"Can you get me home… I'm not talking in public…"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

As soon as we get home I wander into the kitchen and turn the kettle on.

"You want anything?"

"Coffee please baby." Joanne replies as she puts down her things with a linear perfection. I simply continue to make her the coffee as I make my own too, fussing a little more than normal. She sits down on a stool opposite where I'm standing. "Maureen." She says to catch my attention. I stop and look at her. "You're avoiding the question."

"What?" I mumble, looking back down and busying myself again.

"Maureen!" Joanne says more firmly this time. Forcing me to look her directly in the eye. "Talk to me."

"I'm fine." I say definitely, although my body language tells a different story.

"Maureen!" She practically tells me off.

"Joanne! How many sugars do you have again?"

"None, time wasting Maureen."

"Stop saying my name." I say as I pick up my coffee and move to sofa swiftly as I can without spilling it.

"No Maureen! Talk to me!" I know she means well but it winds me up. She knows it does.

"I don't want to!" I scream from the sofa. I immediately regret this.

"Maureen. You wouldn't! I care about you and you push me away!"

"Maybe I don't want to hurt you Joanne!" This came out of my mouth before I could stop it.

"You won't hurt me Maureen… Are you really that scared?" She suddenly looks sympathetic. She picks up her coffee and sits down on the sofa with me. She takes a tender sip; it's obviously still hot. She abandons it and puts it on the coffee table next to mine realising its still to hot to drink. My eyes fall down to look at my coffee, which is still in my hands. "Baby, why?" she takes the coffee off me as she sees me starting to shake. It wouldn't be good if I got burnt… In her eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Maureen…"

"I said-"

"Maureen! Jesus Christ! Speak to me! Its obviously hurting you!" I hate it when she lashes out. But it brings me to my senses.

"I'm sorry, Joanne please don't be angry!" I sit and plead for her to calm down, tears gently burning down my cheeks. I try and wipe them away but more appear every time.

"Maureen, stop playing games and just tell me!" I hate it when she's like this. It's a rare sight for her to freak out at me. But when she does I get scared.

"Fine! I walked out because I couldn't handle being in the house alone. I went to the park, got lost and ended up finding the coffee shop thing and I went in waiting for you to finish work so I could ring you so you can help me find my way home? Happy?" I'm shaking and scared. I know that what she's been saying is right and if I just listened to her…

"Maureen, I can't take this right now…" She drops her head and begins to walk off.

"Wait Joanne! Stop! Please!" I run up to her grabbing her shoulder to pull her back. "Stop! I love you, I'm sorry!" I should have listened. I'm almost screaming at her through my tears. I knew I would hurt her. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her kindness, her beautiful gaze, and her softening hand. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve her. Joanne is fuming. She leaves me. That's my biggest mistake. Hurting her. Maureen. Why am I so stupid! I only hurt people. Once again she will tell me not to blame myself and yes I should listen but I wont because I have no conscience to actually listen to the cleverest thing that's been said to me all day. My beautiful lady tells me to sort it out and I don't. I've let her down and upset her. It hangs over me all night as I sleep separate to her. I don't dare invade the bed. I'm scared its over. All because I was stubborn. All because I fought for the wrong side.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The phone rings. I pan over to the clock on the kitchen wall. 7am. Who on earth is ringing now? I pick up the phone reluctantly.

"Maureen? You there?" I hear Joanne's voice. I freeze.

"Um, yes. Sorry." Stupid answer…

"I'm sorry Maureen! Look I'll talk to you later. Don't hold a grudge ok? I have to go, I'm at work and just got a spare minute. Love you!"

"Joanne! I'm sorry to. Don't be sorry. Okay… um bye. Love you too." I put the phone down. Dazed… What just happened? I don't know what to do with myself. I wander off to the bedroom now safe knowing Joanne isn't in there or angry with me. I slip off my clothes to change. I catch a look at myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? My ribs stick out horribly and my back looks disgusting. It's not attractive. Why do I do this to myself? Joanne tells me to eat and I do but I'm not hungry… I feel sick afterwards and… Ugh!

I start to cry. I sit down on the bed. My finger runs across my leg… pressing harder until it hurts a little. I stop. The blood curdles inside of me. I hate the way I look. But then again, I wouldn't like how I looked if I wasn't skin and bones. Then I would feel fat. No winning. I'm not pretty, never have been, never will be. I'm not a pretty girl! So I act pretty. Prancing around and being 'confident'… My finger slips again this time leaving a small mark. I stop.

I get up rapidly. Crying now. But no one can hear me. Ha. I win. I get changed. Ensuring to put sleeves on. It's cold out. I go into the bathroom and pick up my make up bag and begin to re-apply my make up. I look less awful with it on. It highlights my cheekbones making me look more naturally skinny rather than the dark gape underneath making me look more like a vampire. My red lipstick runs over my lips, I bite my lip where a dry bit of skin is flawing my lipstick. I stop. It pulled. It's bleeding. I cringe slightly. The pain stings my lip. I freeze. The blood trickles into my mouth. It tastes of metal… I lick the blood off my lip and pout making sure it can't be seen. I put on my mascara quickly and run my eyes with eyeliner. My eyes darken making the dark bags under my eyes less visible. I can still see them and I put on some light foundation to cover them fully. Better. An improvement at least.

I walk into the kitchen clutching my hand. I know what I want to do. I stop. Make myself a cup of coffee before deciding what to do next. My hand holds to the kettle. I scream a little in pain as the searing hot kettle burns me. "Ouch!" I whisper. Ugh… stupid. My hand throbs and goes bright red. I run it under the freezing cold water of the tap. Nice one Maureen…

I fly into a panic as I see my wrist, which is now red with cold. It's numb. Now.

Crash!

The door flies open.

"Mimi!" I scream as she runs through the door seeing me.

"Maureen. Put it down." She takes one look and the smile from her face fades instantly to a stern panic.

"I wasn't going to… I mean… I burnt myself on the kettle and then I ran it under… and now its cold… I have this but I wasn't going to… don't tell Joanne! She would never believe me!" I run up to her, throwing whatever's in my hands now to the table. I grab her shoulders and she grabs my wrists to calm me down.

"Maureen! Snap out of it girl! You're alright! But seriously, calm down!" Mimi spoke to me as she has never spoken to me before. She's seen me cry. That is it. I'm done with speaking to people. And I need to make sure Joanne locks the door in future before I decide to wander round. This never should have happened.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"Maureen, darling, what happened?" Mimi asks sitting on the sofa quietly.

"Nothing! You saw! I was just holding it so I could make my breakfast and you walked in and saw something…" My voice fades away. She won't believe me.

"I'm staying till Joanne gets home…"

"No Mimi, don't."

"Why not?" It doesn't sound harsh; it's a fair question.

"Because… because I need to write some more for my show. But you can't see yet. Not until it's done." A stupid answer written by a 5 year old. But it's something.

"Oh, well… Alright then. But you know, get out of the house? When you've done your… Um show." She leaves. Thank god! I'll wait for a bit before I busy myself again. I'm just sat here. In silence. Waiting. Joanne would know what I was doing. She would believe me. Hopefully. I'm Maureen! I do weird things… is that not it? Of coarse I wasn't that stupid. I mean, it was just cold. Joanne would understand that surely?

I scared the hell out of myself though. And it would scare the hell out of Joanne. If she walked in… That would be it. I'd be screwed. My life as I know it would be over. Everyone would no longer see the brave Maureen but the pathetic, stupid, scared of everything even herself Maureen. No one should see that. That should stay between me, myself and I. That's it.

But then again… I'm scared of myself really… No one else hurt me. I mean Angel dying hurt me. But that's not his fault. Mimi's close call hurt me but she couldn't have helped that. She could have taken her AZT but that's happened now and there is nothing I can do about it. I shouldn't have left her. I don't know how it would have helped but maybe she could have stayed with Joanne and I for a bit and she would be fine. She is now but it's still not fair. I hurt people around me and myself. The amount of times Joanne and I have argued about something that I've done. It usually includes me hurting her or doing something I shouldn't. Which hurts her.

Joanne tells me how beautiful I am. She tells me I'm perfect. But how can I be? For a start no one is perfect, second of all I'm just Maureen. The only thing eccentric about me is the fact that I'm an actress and act to cover up all traces of me. I can't be beautiful? But when she says it I cant argue. Because she is so stunning that in my eyes no one can argue with her. And her beautiful brown eyes gleam into me so that I have no way of arguing. Her words seep into me and I can't argue even though, when I look back, I'm not beautiful or perfect. Sometimes the feeling stays. I carry my head a little higher. Sometimes the feeling dies. And I'm alone.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Voices whirl round in my head manically. I'll occupy myself. 2 hours until Joanne gets home. I pace around the room walking up and down trying not to let myself stop. 1 and half hours until Joanne gets home. I make myself a cup of tea and look through some previous performance notes. 45 minutes left till Joanne gets home. I begin to get teary. The time is passing slowly. 35 minutes until Joanne gets home. I lie down on the sofa and fall asleep.

"Maureen? Oh honey-bear..." I wake up at the door shutting. I heard Joanne but I lay motionless on the sofa. "Mau? You awake?" I decide to reply.

"Yes... I'm awake." Voices start to go around my head again. I feel sick. I start to decide... What do I really need? I don't know. Space? To look nice? No, don't be vain. To have her right beside me 24/7. I can't have that. So I give up. My head begins to whiz around again as if I've done something wrong. I don't care anymore. It hurts. She's still talking but I can't hear. Everything seems to sound like it's at me. Even when she moans about some guy at work. It's hinting to me. Everything she says. It haunts me, good or bad. Her words alone are so powerful. She can't come near me. She will know instantly. That's the scary thing about Joanne. She just knows things. I don't have to say a thing and she will ask me if I'm alright. Joanne is coming closer to come and sit with me on the sofa. My hand is throbbing from the pain now and my wrist is still white and pale.

Joanne slips her hand into mine. I hide a cringe as I grit my teeth from the pain. She hasn't noticed. Thank god. She is still talking. Then she stops.

"Baby, your hand is boiling!" She's noticed…

"Um yeah…"

"Baby what happened?" Joanne asks worried as she turns my hand over to see it speckles pink and white with the burn marks.

"The kettle got too hot and I just hurt it. But I'm fine." I trail off. I don't know if I should tell her or not. I'm thinking not for the moment. I'd upset her.

"Honey you would have to hold your hand down for it to be this bad! What did you do?" I plead silence. "Baby talk to me. And tell me the truth!" She looks stern. I can't lie to her. But I wanted to protect her from me. From this side of me. And now I'm forced to hurt her.

"Okay! Fine! I burnt myself." I blurt out. It comes out in a more severe way than I intended. She sits shocked. She doesn't know what to say. I have hurt her. Great. Look. I'm not strong or clever or brave or happy all the blooming time like she thinks I am. Regardless if I tell her about what I wanted or what Mimi saw she would only think Mimi is right anyway. This is why I don't talk to people about the real me. They don't believe me or laugh at me or I hurt them. That's who I am for you. Everyone hates me or doesn't know the real me or is hurt by the real me. That's just how it works.

"Maureen, self harm-"

"It's NOT self harm! I just caught my hand on a very hot kettle! Joanne!" I know I should have interrupted her.

"Listen to me. Baby, I know just as well as you do that you did it on purpose. Why?" She sounds surprisingly calm.

"It's not self harm! It's a way of coping. There is a difference. I didn't do it because I wanted to die or anything. I was just reinforcing something in my head that I know is true but forget when you're around me. I don't want to hate myself. I just do! You wouldn't understand! You're my girlfriend! You see me differently to the way others do and what I see in the mirror. You're clever and beautiful and funny and you can stand on your own two feet! I cant! I don't deserve you and I don't deserve this! AGH!" I'm crying heavily now… I shouldn't have said all of that. Joanne sits up and takes my hand. She is so perfect. I quake for her response.

"Oh course I see you differently Mo! I see the real you! I see your beautiful face, your perfect smile, your stunning body, your cute laugh and most of all you! Maureen, listen to me baby, you are perfect! I love you for who you are and you don't need to change that for me. You know I'm not completely able to stand by myself; I need you to help me. To remind me why I am still in corporate America! Maureen, you have so much going for you! Keep with me baby, I will look after you. But I need you to be open with me and listen to me. You are amazing!" I smile. I can't help it. She is perfect.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I just woke up. I lie calmly on Joanne's chest; she doesn't seem to be awake. However I can't see her face from where I am. I lie there. I'm actually in a pretty good mood. I have my beautiful girlfriend lying beneath my head with her arm wrapped around me. What could be more perfect? Nothing. She is perfect and she thinks I am. I need her with me and she seems to want me around. Joanne is starting to wake up. I can feel her moving around beneath me. She seems comfortable but I move anyway. I move so that I can stroke her beautiful hair hoping she will fall asleep again so I can just stare at her. She is stunning. She had her moments when her cleanliness annoys me but in the end the living room and her half of the room is tidy. My draws are a mess but she doesn't need to know that.

"Mo? Good morning baby." She whispers with her eyes still shut, smiling weakly.

"Morning Pookie!" She looks so perfect. I shuffle myself around again so her head is on my legs. "How did you sleep?"

"Good, I'd have rather have slept in the bed though. You?" She giggles slightly as she opens her eyes and realises we are still on the sofa.

"I slept well! Actually, I liked the sofa. I'm closer to you."

"Aww!" She squirms a little bit.

"What?"

"Nothing honey-bear. Just you!" What on earth does she mean!

"Okay… You know what? You have beautiful hair." I say still stroking her dark curly hair. My fingers emerged from her dark hair as I get to the ends of it.

"Thank you baby, even when it's all nasty and needs a wash?"

"Yes." I say definitely. "You're perfect!"

"Maureen! Honey-bear, you're going to make me blush! You really are feeling better, aren't you?" She seems a little taken aback, and embarrassed at my sudden escapade to speak to her in a loving way.

"Yes I am thank you. Do you want anything Pookie?"

"No thanks, I'm alright." I get up to go and make myself a cup of coffee. I replace where my legs were with a pillow but Joanne moves to look at me none the less. She really is beautiful. I should tell her more often. But I do worry that that will make me seem soft. I don't want to seem that way, but maybe it would be alright to talk to her like that at home where no one else will judge me. She seemed to like it and it felt good saying it… "Baby, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah sure, what is it?" I continue with making my coffee as I speak.

"How would you feel about me trying to get you help?"

"With what?" I don't quite know what to say. I know exactly what she's talking about but I might be wrong.

"You know, with the self-confidence things." I have to think fast, I don't really want to go get 'help'.

"How about… You help me first. Then if it doesn't work I'll go with you to get professional help… I mean… It's really not that bad. I'm alright!"

"Okay baby, just thought I'd ask." And I can breathe again; I don't want to talk to some stranger about my personal feelings. That's weird. But I feel safe talking to Joanne. She is my girlfriend after all… I trust her with my life so why shouldn't I trust her with this?

"Thanks Pookie, sure you don't want anything?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Joanne slumps back down on the sofa tired. I bring my coffee to sit down next to her. She rests her head on my shoulder and drifts back to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"Joanne, how about we do something today? You have the day off work and I'm free… Like I have a busy social life!" I whisper into her head as she is lying on me still. She has woken up now and I don't see the point in doing our usual nothing.

"Yeah sure baby, what were you thinking?" She replies, lifting her head off of my shoulder and sitting up properly to look at me.

"I don't know. Going out for lunch? Going for a walk? Going to a club?"

"Oohhh no! I am not going to a club and you know that!" I knew she would say that. Then again I'm glad she's said no. I should probably stay in the good books for a while; I shouldn't talk to too many people. I'm not flirting like she assumes I am, I am just trying to make friends but she doesn't seem to realise that. That is who I try to be. Now she has a glimpse of who I really am and I don't think a club would be a good idea. "How about the walk and lunch? Maybe we could go and watch something later? Grab some theatre tickets?"

"Okay! Yeah sounds great! Pookie, what will we do until then? Its only 11."

"I have an idea? You have to let me take charge…"

"What Pookie?" I'm completely confused. I don't know what to do? She can be in charge! Only because I don't have a clue what she is on about! As I'm thinking her hand runs up my leg. I know what she wants. "Oh, Joanne…"

The clock shows 1pm now and I'm completely drained. But I still want to go out with Joanne for lunch and a show…

"Oh god Maureen…" She whispers. We lie there quietly cuddling. I don't know what to say. I usually take the lead. We wont dwell on that to long. She is amazing. Our room looks more beautiful than ever. It doesn't need to be tidy or well painted. Just to know that we are here and we are happy is enough. For it to be ours is enough. I squeeze her closer to me. She is beautiful. Her body against mine is warm. It fills the air space between us and she kisses me. It was the softest sweetest kiss I have ever tasted. She didn't push anything it was just simple. My lips on hers. It was perfect. "Baby, shall we get changed? Looking at the time we should go and see if we can get tickets?"

"Yeah, ok. Pookie, wear your navy dress? It's beautiful. What shall I wear?" I ask although I know what she will say.

"Okay. Yeah, um, how about your black one?" I smile gently as that is what I thought. We quietly get changed, she takes the mirror in our room to do her hair and make up. I take the bathroom mirror. As I come back in she stands up, clearly pleased with her efforts. She looks stunning. The black dress caresses her tiny figure. It comes down a little low as a v-neck but she doesn't seem to mind as much as she has before. Its fairly tight down to her thighs as it cuts off. Although it's completely plain it looks stunning on her neat body. My dress is just a standard black dress. It's not too tight and flares out a little at the bottom. But it's short. Not that Joanne or I care much. "Maureen… You look beautiful…"

"So do you. Joanne… You are perfect." I take her hands in mine and run them up to her shoulders. I pull her into a tight hug. I can feel soft tears down her perfect cheeks fall onto my neck. "Happy anniversary."

"Oh baby… You remembered!" she begins sobbing a little harder and holds onto me a little more. "Maureen, you are perfect." Her voice is a little shaky. But I don't care. She's my Joanne.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It's 11pm. We didn't get to lunch. We ended up getting the tickets and coming home for lunch. It was too busy and neither of us felt like enduring the masses of people in all the restaurants. The show was beautiful though. Joanne loved it.

"Oh honey-bear thank you!" She is still teary from the performance and the fact that she has been since this afternoon, I wouldn't know what more to ask of her. She tends to get upset for a long time, but then she will be fine for ages too. Not that I have a clue what to do when she is down… I guess and hope for the best. She seems to get on with it so I will carry on doing that… but at the moment she doesn't seem sad, just a little sweet. I do wonder if she feels this way because of the way I've treated her and myself. She insists that it's not me but at the end of the day, I bet she wasn't like this before we met. Then again I can't imagine my life without her anymore. "Honey?" I've completely forgotten. Gazing at my hands sat on the sofa with Joanne next to me rubbing her heals with cream as her heals have rubbed in the shoes.

"Sorry, um, you're welcome pookie." I answer quietly lifting my eyes to hers. She has her hand on my back to hold me together, see if I'm myself.

"Baby, what's wrong?" She seems instantly concerned. I'm okay, just thinking.

"Nothing, just thinking about something."

"What baby?" I sit silently. "Baby talk to me."

"I was just thinking… Joanne…" I never use her name unless it's amazing or serious. She nods to urge me on. "Look… Jo… its nothing wrong as such, it's more… You."

"What do you mean honey?" Her hand takes mine. I can't help it. I'm never going to spit it out. As much as I don't want help I need her protection. I take her hand. I wrap it around me and curl right into her so I'm sat on her lap in a ball with her arms around me. She can't see my face and her chin is on my head.

"You seem a little… Not Joanne?" I almost whisper.

"You seem a little not Maureen! Baby I'm okay. I'm just worried that you're not. Baby, can you do something for me?" She seems calm and begins rocking me back and forth as she can feel me tensing. I nod quietly and she feels me nod. "Honey I want you to tell me why you blame yourself for things, things that's nothing to do with you? Last night you said 'Mimi' and 'Angel' in your sleep several times… You sounded like you were saying 'sorry' to them but I can't quite make out what it was."

Tears begin to stream down my face; she can probably feel it soaking through her dress. "Angel… I'm just sorry it was him of all people… it shouldn't have been him. He was so lovely… and I don't suppose I helped much… did I? It wasn't my fault as such. I couldn't have stopped AIDS from harming him like that but I should have tried to make more of an effort to make his last couple weeks or days whatever amazing. He deserved it."

"Maureen, there is nothing you could have done about that! Baby, its okay! What about Mimi?"

"I don't know… I should have made more of an effort to find her. Once we got her I realised that I walk past there almost every day! I should have noticed something! I didn't. But the one that hurts me is April…" My voice fades to a silence.

"Rodgers ex?" Joanne prompts.

"Yeah, we were pretty close. I mean it was Roger and April then Mark and I… it was like one happy little group. We all got on… We all lived together. Rodger and April would sit and sing together… They wrote beautiful music together and beautiful harmonies. Mark and I bickered but we got on… Let's not go into that… Um then I found out that those two were on drugs… I found a needle. Look it doesn't matter. I'm fine." I don't really want to talk much about it.

"No honey-bear, talk to me please sweetie. I want to know what it was like so I can help you." She rubs my back soothingly to try and calm me down. But I don't react to it. I jump off her lap.

"No Joanne! I don't need help!" That's it. I don't need help. I need to be Maureen. I am always fine. I am always me and I'm always loud. I don't need help.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I can't speak to Joanne about anything I want to. It's too hard to cry in front of her. I didn't know how to tell her before but this could be an option.

"Dear my beautiful Joanne,

I can't say this in person. I am weak and pathetic. But I do want you to know that I love you. I trust you with everything but I'm struggling to put this aside. I shouldn't have spoken to you about everything. I shouldn't have upset you and you don't know the half of it. I don't need help but I do need you to help me. I realise that now. That doesn't change who I am though. I am still Maureen. Forget everything I've said but I am useless and pathetic and I can't let you see me like that.

Joanne, the theatre with you was stunning, it couldn't have been any better. (Unless I was up there.) I know that you were hesitant about going out that day but you hid it well. Only looking back now I see how scared you were. Pookie, don't let me push you around anymore. I'm your girlfriend, you're not my slave, and you are my lover, my partner and best friend. I know you trust me and love me, you tell me all the time, but I need you to know that it's not fair on you to let me treat you badly.

I love you Joanne. I really love you.

Your Maureen."

I don't know if I should give it to her or leave it for her or just drop it and hope she finds it. One thing I'm sure of is that I don't want to be there when she reads it. I want her to tell me how she feels. But first I'll run away a bit, panic and cry without her. I'll miss her but she can't see me like that. I'm Maureen and I'm not one to cry or need help. I can always get by alone. But I need her help.

Joanne walks quietly into the room. I don't know what to do. I quickly shove the letter my pillow.

"Hey baby, whatcha up to?"

"Not much... Just thinking." I mutter under my, now raged, breath.

"What about baby?" She seems curious rather than worried.

"Oh um... Just stuff..." What do I do? "Pookie, do you want a coffee?"

"Ah... Yes please honey." She sits down on the bed, almost silently, as I get up to go and make the coffees. I don't really want one but it seems fair at the moment to get out of the situation. But I also know I shouldn't run away... Joanne will get suspicious.

I walk into the kitchen and quickly make the coffee. One teaspoon of coffee, half a sugar and a little bit of milk for Joanne; plain with milk for me. I am starting to walk back. As I make my way closer to the door I am starting to feel very sick... I open the door with my elbow trying not to spill the coffee. Joanne is sat on the bed with the letter. She found it.

"Um Mo… Did you mean for me to find this?" She seems calm but nervous.

"Well... Erm... Not yet..." I can feel myself starting to shake and I put the coffee's down so that I don't spill them. She puts the letter down, runs up to me and puts her arms tightly around me. I stand frozen unable to do anything. I don't know what to do for a start.

"Honey bear! You have never upset me and you treat me right! Darling, you have had your moments but its okay. I am here to protect you!" She speaks into my shoulder. Her breath I'd warm on my neck.

"Joanne... I have to look after you too. Besides, I don't need your help." I try to reassure her I'm fine but it doesn't seem to be working as she clings on even tighter. I pull away from her so she only has my hand. She thinks I need her and she is right but I don't want to need her help. I want her to be my girlfriend not my mother! Not that my mums done anything for me anyway. My dads rejected me for being a lesbian. Great. All I have left is Joanne and I'm even pushing her away.

"Darling, come back to me. You're pushing me away." She sounds quiet. I feel like I've offended her by pushing her away. It's not fair. I can't get anything right. I'm either too clingy or too distant. I love her too much that I'm scared of screwing it up. I stand motionless with her hand tightly wrapped around mine. "Maureen. Talk to me." I stand there for what seems like a minute. She stands there motionless too. I crack. I throw my arms around her.


	12. Chapter 12

[Sorry it's only short, once writing it it was right to leave it there, cramming anymore in would ruin the impact of the end bit.]

Chapter 12

After all the antics before I'm now a little hysterical. I'm hurt easily and there is nothing to do about it today. I'm delicate. But knowing my luck someone's going to get to me with the teeny tiniest thing, and once again I will hide it and make a joke from it. But honestly, it hurts. It's like a kick in the gut. No one else will know that inside I'm bleeding and it's wounded me, I'll just get on with it and deal with it when I'm alone. When I can let out emotion and no one has to know. Other than Joanne. She notices everything; she notices when I'm down. No one else does. She knows when I'm angry or ill or upset. No one else does. Even Mark didn't know, Collins, Mimi and Rodger didn't know. But Angel noticed, he would ask and I would say 'I'm fine'. He knew I was lying but he didn't ask more. He didn't have a reason too. Joanne doesn't have to ask; something about her just makes me unable to hide from her. That's why I wrote the letter, but I also can't take help. I know that's ridiculous as everyone needs help but I don't. I have an inability to take help. I'm too proud. Or I pretend to be.

I hear Joanne come out from our room and into the living room. I'm in the kitchen but I know she can see me.

"Hey baby, how are you feeling?" She walks up behind me and starts to rub my back and arm as if I were ill or crying.

"I'm fine pookie. How are you?" I turn around to face her. There is hardly any space between us.

"I'm good." Her reply was very quiet as I reached for her back and pulled her close to me so the little space between us is gone. I feel her beautiful figure against mine. She blushes slightly as I run my finger along her jaw line so her face is facing mine directly. I lean in to kiss her. She leans in too. Her lips seal to mine and I know that this is perfect. She opens her mouth slightly and I can't help but slip into it. But it's all very slow. Everything is slow. She kisses me back. She is perfect.

Once we pull away, after a long time, she rests her head on my shoulder. She nuzzles into my neck a little and I wrap my arms more definitely around her. She clings onto me desperately and just whispers into my neck.

"Maur, darling, I love you. I don't mind if you get upset. It's ok to be upset. Let me help you honey-bear." I don't know how to reply. I just squeeze her body to let her know I am listening. Tears begin to stream gently down my face silently.

"I love you too Joanne."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Joanne asked me to write another letter to her. She wants to know what I'm scared of, about talking to her and stuff... Here's my shot.

"Dear Joanne,

As you asked me too, I'm writing this letter, as I promised. I'm scared of lots of things... I guess I'll do this in a way that might make it easier to split them up.

1. Hurting you.

2. Upsetting you.

3. Making you worry about me.

4. Messing everything up.

5. The most important one. Losing you.

You're just too perfect to harm. I am an accident waiting to happen. I hurt everyone if they don't hurt me first. That is the long and short of it. Joanne, don't let me hurt you.

Love,

Your Maureen"

I put it under her pillow this time. She keeps her pyjamas under there so she will find it. I'm nervous of her finding but then again, she asked for me to do it. Why am I so scared? She's my girlfriend. I should be able to tell her everything! But I can't! Joanne walks in as I walk out. My mind starts whirring as I decide to kill the next 10 minutes with bad TV. Joanne walks back out slowly; she looks like she has been crying.

"Maur... Can I talk to you?" She seems tense. She found it.

"Um yeah pookie... You found it. Didn't you?" I stand, trying to stay steady on my legs, which are weak and wobbly like jelly. "Yes I did honey-bear. Um, Baby? Why are they all about me?" She takes my hand slowly as she asks.

"You're the only important thing in my life. All I have is you and theatre. You are my life." She begins to shake. I can feel her. She won't admit she's affected by it but I know she is.

"All I want is you."

"That's what I'm scared of. Baby, I'm scared of my past. My Dad mostly. He hates everything to do with us. He disowned me but continued to hurt me. And now I live in fear that someone like that will come back. Or he will." I said it in such a diplomatic way that Joanne was shocked with me.

"Oh honey-bear... I'm so sorry!" She stands still. She looks directly into my eyes. She knows I'm putting on a brave face. She doesn't ask about the rest. She knows my answer. Everything that goes right for me always hurts someone. I've told her that before. No matter how much she hates it when I say it. That's how I feel and Joanne is helping me change that. But I'm still finding it hard to take help.

Joanne cuddles me and walks off. I don't know what to do. It's not like her to just leave it. Joanne isn't the sort of person to just listen to that and leave it; she would at least stay with me in person. After a few moments I follow her into the hallway. She is sat, crying on the little bench.

"Maureen. I'm sorry darling." She utters from below her cold, wet, hands. "Baby, when I was a girl my parents didn't accept me instantly either. I spent months arguing with them. Um, I know I got it easy in the end but, in a way, I understand what it's like to feel unwanted and hated and hurt. I was bullied horribly in school because of it and at home things were rough for a little while too. Maureen, I haven't been through what you have but I have some understanding darling. It's going to be okay. I don't understand how you can mistrust yourself so much!" She begins to sob a little harder. I sit down next to her and take her shaky hand.

"I'm okay aren't I? I'm here pookie." She sits motionless. I start to rub her hand with my thumb. I take my other thumb and wipe away her tears. "Joanne, I love you and my dysfunctional family isn't going to change how much I love you. Pookie, look at me," I say as I put her hand under her chin and lift it up to look me in the eye. "… I will never leave you. I could never, ever, ever, go away." She folds her body onto mine and hugs me. Her arms snake around me. I pull her firmly to me and kiss her head. I love her. And she loves me. What more could I want?


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Joanne and I have been fine for the past week or so. We have gone back to the way we were, happy, loving and slightly more physical. No more crying or breaking down, arguing or worrying. I like it this way. We are happy as we are, just content in each other. The only thing I want to do is cuddle her and kiss her. She is stunning.

Joanne leans into me, holding my hand. She kisses my lips softly. I feel her lips on mine and my entire body shivers. My mouth opens slightly. She slips her soft tongue in. I let her take me. Deepening the kiss. She takes my waist. I fall completely into her control. We automatically take turns kissing each other.

As we finally pull apart I catch her beautiful eyes; they are full of love. She is so beautiful. I kiss her nose gently and she scrunches it up making me want to 'aww' to her. She is so cute! She kisses my cheek. I pull her close and rest my head on her shoulder, curling into her neck. She rubs my back gently then takes my shoulders and pushes me away slightly to look at me.

"Maureen?" She speaks quietly.

"Yes Pookie?" I reply on the same level.

"Are you really comfortable with me?" I stand a little stunned at the question.

"What makes you ask baby?" I'm still holding tight onto her.

"You never seem to... You know, relax." Her eyes wander round my gaze.

"Well, you know what I'm like pookie... I don't. There is always something, not bad but something I am thinking about."

"But you relaxed then honey-bear." She takes my hand tighter.

"What when we kissed..." I ask confused.

"Yes. As soon as we pulled away you tensed again." She asks searching my eyes for a reaction.

"Well... Um I don't mean to..." She cuts me off with another kiss. I see her point. I relax when we kiss.

"See?" Joanne says as she pulls away.

"Yes. Um, Joanne, When you kiss me... Nothing else matters..."

"Darling, shhh. It's okay. I understand. I wanted to make you understand. I love you."

"I love you too."

I know I am tense. I've always known I'm tense. But no one has ever brought it up before. Joanne has noticed where others haven't. Joanne doesn't leave things to simmer before she worries. She will ask or bring it up when it gets too much for her. I sometimes wonder if she ever sits and thinks about if I'm alright when I'm acting fine. She always knows when I'm not okay but recently, as I've been fine, she's been asking more if I am. I can't decide if she's worried or if I'm actually not okay. In a way it's not fair that she worries about me. Gorgeous lady stood before me and I wonder if I really deserve her.

Joanne takes my hand and leads me around to our bedroom cupboard. She opens the door and pulls out a black dress. It comes tight to my hips then flairs slightly. The back does up like a corset and the front cuts low. It's my favourite dress.

"What's this for Pookie?" I ask, slightly confused.

"Baby, I want to take you out for dinner. How does that sound?" She says laying down the dress then coming back to hold my waist.

"It sounds good. What are you wearing?" I ask patiently.

"You pick." She says nodding at the wardrobe.

I run my finger across her half of the wardrobe. I settle it on a small grey dress. It holds tight to her all the way to around half way down her thighs, its very plain. Almost like a work dress. But she always looks breath taking in it.

Joanne smiles at my choice. She picks it up, as do I with my dress, and starts to get ready. She lays some mascara on; she looks stunning. All she does is a little eyeliner and mascara. She puts on a bit more than usual for a special occasion. As do I, I put on eyeliner, mascara and my bright red lipstick. We slip into our dresses, find some shoes (we both settle for black heals), light coats and just tidying up our hair. It doesn't take much of anything or us to get ready, as we've not really got too windswept since this morning.

Joanne takes my hand silently. We leave. No word exchanged. We don't need to. Her beauty silences me; she has the most stunning hair that just rests on her head beautifully, her dress hangs gently on her tidy frame perfectly, and her legs, they're beautiful. She has amazing legs. But what I love most of all, her eyes. They are stunning. She stands there sombre and slightly pink as I smile at her. She is perfect.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Joanne pulls the seat out for me as I sit down, and then sits down herself. She sits down, nervously smiles at me and giggles slightly as I smile nervously back.

"Can I get you any drinks?" The waitress asks us.

"Uh yeah, just some still water for me please." Joanne asks her. "What do you want Mo?"

"Erm cola please?" I utter scanning the menu for something that looks vaguely familiar.

"Is that all for now? Cola and water?"

"Yes please." Says Joanne, smiling. She turns to me slowly and says; "You look even more beautiful than normal Maureen. I didn't think it possible." I smile and blush as she takes my hand over the table.

"Thank you" I mutter looking down. "You look stunning yourself Joanne." She makes me breathless... I love her. "Um, Jo?" I mutter again, being shy, very unlike myself but she just makes me feel very girlie and childish.

"Yes baby?" She replies very quietly.

"Um Pookie, you know... Ha it's silly, I don't really know what to do..."

"About what darling?" She says squeezing my hand.

"Joanne, I don't know how to... Okay Maureen, suck it up. Right, um, I've been really rubbish the last few while and I've not helped you at all. I'm sorry, is there anything I can do for you?" I stutter, making a fool of myself.

"Oh baby! It's okay, you have nothing to worry about!" I don't feel that way but I mutter my thanks anyway. It's hard to stay calm when internally freaking out because I'm putting too much pressure on my girlfriend. She is perfect and I won't love her any less if she stopped putting up with me. It's not fair on her.

Anyway the nights drawing to a close as it's filled with conversation of Joanne's working days and my theatre antics. We leave after the meal for home.

As we walk in the door about 20 minutes after leaving the restaurant Joanne takes my hand.

"Baby?" She smiles cheekily at me.

"Yes?" I answer with a grin spilling over my face as I realise what she's suggesting.

"You know, don't you?" She replies as she takes my waist and pulls me close to her.

"Yes. Pookie -" I start to say 'of course' but her lips press into mine. Her body feels warm next to mine. We run off giggling like teenagers to our room.

It's now the morning, after last night's antics I'm rather warm and cuddly still. I snuggle deep into Joanne's collarbone as she sleeps next to me. She wraps her arms around me and I smile. She is perfect. I perk up to a smell. A smell of perfume.

"Jo - Pookie? - Jo?" I start to shuffle trying to work out where it's coming from. It's Joanne's perfume but Joanne can't have had time to put it on without me realising or waking up.

"Yes darling, what is it?" She says as she rubs her eyes letting go of me.

"I can smell your perfume." She giggles slightly.

"Yes Maureen. You can." She laughs again.

"Don't laugh at me! What is it?" I now look at her pouting slightly at her amusement.

"Maureen, do you remember anything from last night darling?" She giggles pushing my hair out of my face and taking a strand of hair out of my mouth.

"I slept with you." I bluntly point out.

"Yes, you did! I'm glad you remember that. Well done!" She jokes to tease me. "And do you remember the perfume?" She raises her eyebrows at me.

"No, Joanne tell me!" I almost shout now getting playfully agitated.

"Haha! You picked it up to spray it on me because apparently I smelt... Of... Well, and you were teasing but it sprayed back at you!" She giggles uncontrollably.

"It's not funny!" She nods giddily, falling around on the bed. I throw myself back next to her and begin to tickle her. She laughs uncontrollable trying to tell me to get off but I don't listen. Then I fall on the bed laughing. We lie there. It's just us. Being ourselves, just as it should be.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Joanne walks in from work. I'm in the kitchen, feebly attempting to make us some dinner.

"Hello darling!" She shouts taking of her coat.

"Hello beautiful!" I scream rushing from the kitchen to give her a kiss. She smiles when we pull away.

"Um, Maur, I will just get changed then I need to talk to you about something over dinner."

"Yeah sure, but you know dinner is just pasta... I'm going to blow up the kitchen otherwise pookie!"

"That's fine baby. Thanks." Joanne let's go of my hands and goes to get changed. I wander back to the kitchen. What on earth has she got to talk about? We always talk over dinner so its not like she has to ask just to have my company! I stand, stirring the pasta, then rinsing it and adding the sauce. Well it's a meal, hardly Master Chef but its edible. Joanne emerges from the bedroom into the kitchen still doing up her jumper.

"Hey pookie." I whisper as she puts her arms around me from behind and rests her head on my shoulder.

"Hey baby, is it nearly ready?" Her voice is quiet but I hear every word.

"Yeah, you have perfect timing. Just ready now." She let's go of me, gets out the plates, knives and forks. We dish up and walk over to the table, setting it down and begin to eat. "Pookie, what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask.

"Well I have been thinking... Um Maureen, I don't want you to freak out -" I cut her off.

"Baby I won't, tell me." I urge on.

"Okay, so... Um Maureen... This is a little hard but... I want kids..." She trails away.

"So do I." I say not even looking up from my food.

"You... Wait? What? But you're Maureen Johnson! You're an actress... You're all stage and love and… Non-family!"

"To the outside world, yes. But you know more than that about me."

"Well yeah, I do. Oh baby why did you never say?" She asks, almost looking sorry for me.

"Because I thought you wanted it to be just... Us... You know?" I put down my fork and look straight at her, forgetting about playing with my food.

"Oh baby... Well um, I was talking to someone today..." She utters.

"Who?" I ask, now playing with my food again just to busy my hands.

"A doctor. He says I would be safe to carry... Well I mean unless you want to of course but I thought-"

"Joanne, you carry." I whisper, defining my answer. She has no hope of arguing.

"Are you sure?" she looks solemn. I can't go without explaining.

"Yes. Baby... I can't carry a child. I'm not... Um... I'm high risk. I had an accident when I was younger and my abdomen... Um I just can't carry a child." I start to cry a little. Tears seep down my face.

"Oh Maur! Don't cry, its okay baby I just wanted to make sure..." She takes off from the chair and kneels on the floor next to me holding my hand. With the other hand she wipes away my tears gently.

"I'm okay. I just... Can we go back to them tomorrow?" I ask tentatively.

"Yes baby, okay. Are you sure?" She seems more relaxed now, but I can tell my upset is bothering her as she squeezes my hand a little tighter.

"Yep. I'm sure. Sorry just the whole... Not being able to have kids... That's sorta..."

"Yeah I know baby." Our heads lean in and our lips meet. Nothing over the top: it is just a simple, short, chaste kiss. She smiles. Abandoning the food, as I'm not really hungry and Joanne didn't even touch hers, she takes my hand in hers and gets up. Leaning on my knees for balance. She pokes my nose. "You have a little button nose Maureen."

"Do I?" I ask pulling a strange face to try and look at it.

"Oi! Don't go pulling cute faces now!" She laughs as she takes both of my hands. I giggle as I realise what a fool of myself I've made. "Maureen Johnson, a Mummy. That sounds nice."

"It does. Joanne Jefferson… The perfect Mother." She smiles and kisses my nose. I scrunch it up automatically. "I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too Maureen, so much." A smile creeps across my face. We move to sit on the sofa, facing each other. My head is resting on the back on the sofa so that it's on Joanne's hand, which is holding my cheek. She starts stroke my cheek with her thumb slightly and I can't help but smile. She knows I love it. She shuffles so close to me so that we are pretty much on top of each other but its comfortable somehow. Joanne leans in and kisses me. Just a simple kiss. It's slow and soft. I still have my eyes shut when she opens hers... As I open them I see Joanne smiling. I bite my lip on the sort of nervous/embarrassed way I do and she laughs quietly. I'm not always tough... I get shy when its romantic intimacy. She kissed me again, this time I bite her lip gently without thinking. We stay together so we are resting out heads against each other and our noses end up touching. Joanne smiles. Although I'm too close to see her mouth, I can see her eyes glittering against mine. Then we lean back in. Joanne's tongue rolls around my mouth slowly and I take my turn and roll mine around hers. No one would ever think, "Maureen Johnson" would have this sort of romantic, gentle side. As we pull apart she giggles slightly at me grabbing her hand. I drop my head and I hear her giggle again. Probably laughing at the innocence that seems hard to see on the outside. I look up and kiss her on the cheek. Then I curl into Joanne's collarbone and she cuddles me back. It is perfect. The moment is perfect. Joanne will make a perfect Mother.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

"Joanne Jefferson?" Calls the secretary. We both get up, holding hands as tight as possible. I can't believe that today Joanne will be carrying our child. It's strange to think that one minute she's the same as always, the next she's pregnant. Well, sort of works like that. We have been through millions of appointments to get this far, and visited by social services. It's beginning to get very tedious but now that all goes away because, finally, we have it.

They ask me to wait outside. Joanne kisses me softly on the lips. She knows I want to come in to protect her, but I've been told not to. Why on earth do I have to wait outside? She's my girlfriend, I should be allowed in.

"I'm okay Maureen, relax. I'm in good hands." She whispers into my ear, hugging me tight to her burning hot body, she's nervous. I can tell.

"But you're not in my hands." I whisper back. She smiles and me as I pout, pushing out of the hug. She goes in.

After, what seemed like eternity, Joanne comes out. She looks fine, but she also looks flushed. Almost like she's embarrassed. She smiles weakly at me.

"You okay?" I ask grabbing her hands.

"Yep. Doesn't feel any different. Hopefully won't be saying that soon." She says, nervously. I start to play with her fingers. She notices I'm getting agitated and leads me to the door, out of the building and into the car. "Okay Maur, what's really wrong?" Her eyes look stern. She knows I'm battered and would rather have gone in with her but she wont give up on asking.

"I was worried about you." I answer as though rehearsed. My head drops as I say it. She knows I'm lying when I can't look her in the eye.

"Maureen that's not what I meant, and you know it." She asks, this time, more definitely. She raises her eyebrows as a sort of 'telling off' for lying to her. I stay silent and look at my lap, now trying to hold back the tears that are infiltrating my eyes. "Darling, come on. You can tell me." Joanne whispers in a more sympathetic tone this time. She takes my hands to stop them writhing on my lap.

"I... I just... I..." I stutter. I'm not sure what to say. A heavy tear falls onto Joanne's hand. She doesn't care. She carries on stroking my hands with her thumb. She doesn't seem to notice the tear.

"It's okay honey-bear." She says softly, tipping her gorgeous head sideways in sympathy.

"What if I mess up?" I ask quietly. I'm still not letting her see my face.

"Baby, you're not going to mess up. You're going to make a perfect Momma." She says quietly. She sounds sure. I can't argue with her and it's what I've wanted for such a long time that I want to believe her. So I will. I will trust Joanne.

"Okay." I utter.

"Honey-bear, we have 9 months to prepare on top of all the help we've had already. Baby, we are just fine. They wouldn't have let us go through with this if they didn't think we could do it." She's right obviously. I give up trying to make up reasons why I will ultimately fail in my head, only because she will break every singe one down. We drive home. I offer to drive but she doesn't think it a great idea with the state I've got myself into.

Half an hour later we wander through the front door. I kiss Joanne on the cheek and walk through to the bedroom. The empty bedroom; it's painted cream and has a tiny cot and a rocking chair in. I lean on the doorframe. Joanne walks up behind me quietly and takes my waist, resting her chin on my shoulder. I rest my hands on her arms and lean my head towards hers. We stand there a bit just admiring the room. I turn around so that I'm facing her I wrap my arms around her and cuddle her in close to me. I feel safer that way, when I've got her.

"Joanne?" I whisper, as through there is already a baby in the cot.

"Yes baby?" She replies into my collarbone, I can feel her breath she is so close.

"This is our baby, we have to give it the best we can." She smiles. I give her a squeeze. "I promise." She is perfect. She giggles as I kiss her little nose as a little 'Thank you". Joanne snuggles tight into me. This has to go well, I know it will, because Joanne says so. But I always have a doubt in my mind, only because things seem to go wrong around me and this is one thing that's not allowed to go wrong. But with Joanne by my side, I'm not sure it will go wrong. Like she said, they wouldn't let us do this if they didn't think we could.

Joanne leads me around to the kitchen, holding my hand. We move silently.

"Right darling, what do you want to eat?" I sit down on the side and Joanne laughs. I don't understand what is so funny, other than the strange noise I make with the effort of trying to jump onto the counter.

"What?" I say leaping off the side quickly as through I has sat on something.

"Nothing, you're just funny!" She continues laughing and giggling away in the cute way she does.

"How?" I giggle now, only laughing because she is. It's contagious.

"Oh Maureen, you just... You make me happy." She smiles and presses a gentle kiss on my lips. "Okay, Mo, seriously, what do you want to eat?" She gives me 'the look' as if to say, "You must eat!" but in a cute way.

"Um... Cheese on toast? I'll help make it. It's difficult to burn toast. Well maybe its not… I'll do the cheese?" We both set at making the food, ever now and then walking into each other with plates and odd things. Talking about Joanne's work and humming tunes to ourselves. A happy mood fills the air. It's just how I like it.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Month 1

Joanne is one-month in. would you believe it? She's not been much different if I'm honest. She's been little teary but it's not that bad. Then the morning sickness started.

Joanne is sitting on the sofa silently. The TV is on some terrible show she wouldn't normally watch. Its not often she calls off work sick but today she had to. With the throwing up and the lightheaded spells, I wouldn't trust her at work unless I go with her. I sit and wonder in the kitchen, running over baby names and general life with a child in my head. Joanne comes over to me, almost shuffling across the cold floor.

"Baby, could you get me some hot chocolate please?" she asks, almost whining and leaning on my knees with her hands.

"Sure" I reply hopping up to get the kettle. I slyly stare at her as she takes a seat on the stool I was sitting on. She is gorgeous even if she is on tracksuit bottoms and possibly, one of the most unflattering tops she owns. She is still absolutely flawless. I'm surprised she has let me see her without make-up if I'm honest. I mean, she doesn't wear too much and I don't mind, but she always likes to look perfect and today she's not made the normal effort. Not that it bothers me. She's still perfect. Joanne smiles as she notices me staring.

"What are you looking at?" she giggles.

"You!" I reply laughing myself, now slightly embarrassed she caught me.

"While I'm all sick and disgusting?!" Joanne now pouting through her giggles trying not to laugh at me.

"Yes. Even now. Because you're still gorgeous to me!" I put the mug in front of her as she smiles gently at me and mouths a weak "Thank you". I smile back at her and walk round behind her. I slip my arms around her tiny waist to rest on her as she relaxes back onto me and drinks gently from the mug. She begins to feel heavy as she finishes it and I lead her back to the sofa. We curl up so that she is lying on my lap; her head snuggled tight into my side just bellow my ribs. She cuddles up so that I'm holding her hand and rubbing her back. She falls asleep.

Joanne sleeps gently, her breathing slow and heavy. She is so perfect, after about 20 minutes she begins to stir. As she wriggles I begin to rub her back again to keep her calm and maybe fall back asleep. But she doesn't, she continues to stir. I start to make "shhh" noises to try and get her to relax but she pulls herself up on my and buries herself into my collarbone for comfort.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask her quietly. She shakes her head in a very cute way as if to say "nothing" but I know there is something. I start to stroke her hair again to stop her from getting too worked up. Then I feel a pool of warm, wet tears on my shoulder. "Oh pookie! What's wrong darling? Don't cry baby." I squeeze her tighter into me. She sobs a little on my shoulder then stops and looks up at me.

"I just had a dream." She mutters.

"What about pookie?" I ask stroking her hear gently and whipping the tears from her eyes.

"I had a dream that our baby… You know…" She began to sob again, pushing tight into me, hiding her face.

"Baby that's not going to happen, I mean… Pookie, you know just as well as I do that you've got the all clear and the baby will be lucky to have you as a Mummy, also I've got your back and I wont let anything happen to either of you. The scan yesterday proved that. The midwife said that you are one of the most stable people she has ever looked at! Baby I'm looking after you and you're looking after yourself, the baby will be lucky to have you." She smiles gently and turns back into the Joanne I know. "And you're probably all over the place because of this new baby in your body pookie. Just relax." Easier said than done I know but Joanne's got strength and I know she can do it.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Month 2

Our little baby is the size of a large jellybean. Again the scans are going well and Joanne seems to be alright. She's now very emotional. I think she's starting to feel pregnant. I don't know much about it all but I think the morning sickness started early. I may have to ask about it, only because I don't want anything to go wrong. We only have one real shot at this.

Joanne comes into the bed, curling right into me so that she's literally inseparable from me. She feels so warm and sweet. I love it when she's so clingy. It means we get to spend time just being us. It's much better that way. Joanne curls her head into my collarbone and whispers to me.

"Maur?"

"Yes pookie?" I feel her getting a little hot. She feels like she's going to burn up. I immediately push the blanket off to try and cool her down.

"Will you still feel the same about me when I'm all fat? You know, with the baby?" She snuggles in, seeming quite vulnerable now. Her hormones are obviously all over the place, she's been having mood swings all day, she's also been a lot more clingy and self conscious. Even though there is nothing there she rubs her hand over her tummy in a nervous way every time she gets changed or looks in the mirror. She only does it when her tummy is on show or has a clingy shirt on showing off her beautiful figure. Joanne has asked me this question a couple times and every time I say the same thing.

"Oh Joanne, you look beautiful no matter what, I will love your baby bump my gorgeous girl." And that's the end of it. Every time she just smiles and pulls herself into me closer. I feel her clinging to me very tightly; I can tell she feels more and more nervous. But to me she is perfect.

As Joanne drifts off to sleep I sneak out of the bed to go and get myself some coffee, I know she can't drink it so I make sure I have it while she's asleep or out. She's still able to go to work at the moment; she's only had one day off. Today, she's not working so I have my baby's Mother all to myself. Just how I'd like it to be more often.

I make my coffee, sit down on the sofa and turn the TV on. I sit watching some terrible TV program and pick at the biscuits on the table. After about an hour of bad TV and a (now cold) coffee, Joanne wonders in, I move over on the sofa for her to sit down with me and she rests her head on the back of the sofa so she is facing me. She looks beautiful, if still groggy from her nap.

"How did you sleep baby?" I ask, turning the TV down so that I can hear her.

"Good thank you. Um Mo… I want to start talking about something?" She takes my hand gently and my heart starts to pump hard. I suddenly feel a sense of panic as she wants to talk about something and she sounds serious. I know I shouldn't get nervous but it does scare me when she does that.

"Yeah okay, what is it?" I reply, trying not to show my fear. I think I've done quite well.

"Baby, what were you thinking along names?" She asks not moving her head, still half asleep; she's clearly not awake enough to have noticed me tensing. I relax when I realize what she asked.

"Well I don't know, I haven't really thought about it." I reply quietly, looking straight into her eyes. Joanne smiles. I know she has been thinking about it, a lot. I have but I couldn't say I've decided. I used to make up the 'perfect' family when I was little with kids' names but then they had a Dad so I don't think my idea of a perfect family is perfect anymore.

"April." She says straight out. "For a girl... Maybe. But I know-" I can't help it, I cut her off.

"Baby I'm sorry we can't name this baby after anyone even if intentional. I don't want some person in my past affecting my future." She sits quietly; she knew I was going to say that though. "Why don't we do boys first?" I suggest easing the tension I've created. It's better if I try and relax the atmosphere if I've caused it.

"Okay, sorry baby. Honey-bear, what do you think of Ben?" I smile. I like the name Ben. It's sweet, almost has a little ring to it. 'Ben Jefferson'. It sounds pretty, just like Joanne.

"Yeah I like Ben, what about Wyatt?" I suggest, we can't settle on a name just that quickly, especially if we haven't both had the same idea. This is our child; we have to both like it.

"I like that too. What about Dylan?" She sees my face fall. I try to hold it back but she knows it's fallen already, there is no point lying to her. "What honey-bear?"

"My Dad." I move on quickly. I don't really want to talk about it. It's a touchy subject and she knows it. "So far we have Ben and Wyatt." She smiles gently. Her head tilts slightly in a very cute way I can't help but letting my heart skip a bit.

"I'm tempted to leave it at that for the moment. We have another 7 months." She squeezes my hand slightly. She knows I'm confused as to boys' names as I probably wouldn't want a son, but then again, if we have a boy I'd love him just the same. I just can't see us with a son.

"Okay Pookie, girlies?" We both speak at the same time, blurting out the first name to our heads. The one we both adore and know it. We both almost shout "Daisy!" and then sit there in silence trying not to giggle.

"You like Daisy?" She asks grinning in a tired way but content with the decision.

"Yeah I like Daisy... Have we had this conversation before?" I laugh again and stroke her cheek back to her hair. Caressing her into me so that she is completely safe.

"I don't know... But this alone makes you perfect, let alone the indescribable rest of you." She seems to become very clingy all of a sudden again. She pulls tighter to me like she needs security. Again with the mood swings. It's definitely in place.

"Thank you gorgeous, you're perfect too my lovely lady." She spins around so her back is right against me and I wrap my hands around her and she leans back into my arms and rests her head just below my chin. I turn the TV back up and we just curl up. Just us, my beauty and I.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Month 3

We walk through the front door; Joanne throws her coat down onto the cold hard table. She seems in a good mood. I glance at the clock; it shows 2.04pm. The scan has shown our jellybean looking less alien-like; it's becoming very real. I think they look very girly. But then who can tell from a scan where they still resemble some sort of kids, sticky, alien toy. Her tummy looks a little swollen, but she still looks stunning. The baby is starting to show, making it more real for me, although she is feeling it. She has a small bump. No one else would notice but I have. She's my girlfriend. I asked about the morning sickness... Apparently it's not that uncommon for it to start early with 'our situation'. But it's getting worse. She's still going into work but she's been on and off, sickness wise, all day. One moment she's fine, next minute she looks like a ghost.

Joanne eases down onto the sofa gently; she is clearly feeling a little queasy. I plonk down next to her, realise that I nearly moved her end of the sofa up and grin guiltily at her. She groans slightly but then laugh at my apparent embarrassment.

"Water?" I ask quietly, trying to move on quickly from my stupidity.

"And a kiss?" She replies, seeming very cheeky all of a sudden. As I said before, she is on and off.

"Haha! I couldn't refuse!" I get up, pour some water, take it back to her and she drinks some of it. I stare at her beauty; she is just so perfect. I can't help but notice that she as the earrings on that I got her for her birthday maybe last year. I feel slightly proud that she still wears them. Once she has rested it back on the table she smiles at me. "How are you feeling baby?" I ask with the intention of trying to be slight.

"Much better if you carried out your promise!" She teases, poking me slightly.

"Sorry!" I reply, preparing to kiss her. I lean forward and kiss her gently. It starts off as a peck, but I linger and she leans back in, pushing into my mouth and I let her. I can't let go of her. The kiss goes deeper and deeper. She is perfect. She ends up nearly sat on me, kissing me deeply. She falls back down onto me sweetly, not showing any signs of regret that she let loose a little. Resting on me gently, she curls up. She seems tired; although I can understand with the amount of nights she's been unable to sleep recently. I wrap my arms, warm, around her. Joanne's breathing becomes slow and heavy, she gets rather heavy on me as I realize she is completely leaning on me. She isn't asleep, although she has a dead weight on me as if she was. She is just very peaceful. I shuffle a little so that I'm more comfortable and her head slots in on my collarbone so I can rest my head on hers. Joanne takes my hand and starts circling her thumb on my wrist and I just hold her hand gently. I press a soft kiss on her head. A gentle tear spills over my eye and starts to trickle down my face. She obviously feels my hand move to wipe it away. She lifts her head up and sees me.

"Oh Maur, why are you crying?" She asks, still holding onto me but going into protective mode all over again. I can tell she doesn't feel like it but it's like she can't help it. She just automatically does it. But seems to calm down when she realises it's not a sad cry.

"It's just so perfect." I reply, kissing her forehead again and squeezing her hand for reassurance. I don't want her going protective on me; I want to hold her for a bit longer.

"Why does that make you cry?" Suddenly confused where she would normally understand. She seems a little more naïve and childish than normal. She is usually so down to earth and understands me without a word but, for some reason, today she is struggling to take subtle hints from me. I have to explain everything to her. I don't mind but she is worrying me slightly.

"Baby, I've just always wanted a baby and now the most beautiful girl, who is MY girlfriend is carrying my baby. It makes everything perfect. I have you; we will have a child and a family. If I could have anything else I would have you feeling less sick so I could take you out to dinner." She smiles gently and rests her head back down, clearly satisfied that she does not need to protect me this time.

"You're perfect Maureen, this is just an extra." She nuzzles her head into me and I just smile. She deserves so much. I hope I can give it to her. Although I know that somehow, we will get though this and this baby will be given more love than some straight couples do. They will have two Mummy's and twice the love of one Mummy. And Joanne is more than capable of giving love.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Month 4

Thankfully, the morning sickness is now subsiding. Thank goodness! But my poor Pookie had been getting dizzy spells. Many a times I've had to sit her down and stroke her hair until she is better. I don't mind; I like looking after her. Its just strange her being ill. I hardly ever see her ill. This woman is immune to all illnesses! She never gets sick, and when or if she does she gets really sick. Joanne's tummy is a bit more noticeable now, her Mom noticed anyway. She has managed to cover it up with baggy or flowing clothes. It thinks she's proud to cover it up. Joanne's parents know; that's it for the moment. However it won't stay that way for very long. She is growing fairly quickly, I may only notice because I see her everyday and she gets changed in front of me, just as she is now.

Joanne slips off her pyjamas and replaces them with a black T-shirt and navy tracksuit bottoms. She wonders through to the living room, through to the kitchen and gets a bowl down as I linger after her in nothing but my nightdress. After realizing its freezing I backtrack for the dressing gown to wrap up a little bit in order not to freeze. By the time I get back Joanne has her breakfast and is sat, sleepily, eating it at the small island in the kitchen. I take a seat next to her after grabbing a glass of water.

"Maureen." She looks at me with a stern eye. I know exactly what she's going to moan about.

"What?" I ask anyway to see if I've got a chance. I can't really get away with it but I still try in the hope that she might be too tired to notice.

"Please eat something baby." It's more of an order than a question, she wasn't really asking. Her dark brown eyes stare into mine and I pull my eyes away. I can't look at her when she wants me to do something. It just breaks me down and she has me under her thumb. If her eyes work on me I just melt. All of the suborn goes out the window.

"Baby it's too early for me to eat. I'll eat later. It's 6am!" This is true. I'm one of those people who can't eat at the crack of dawn. I'm still half asleep; therefore don't ask me to eat.

"Promise?" I stare back into her eyes. She's worried I won't, I can tell she is worried because she's making me promise to something that seems normal to everyone else.

"I promise." I take her hand so that she can't argue. I also can't lie if I'm touching her. I can't lie to her anyway but she does know I'm telling the truth if I'm touching her. I think it comforts her to know I'm okay.

Once Joanne has finished eating she gets up and decides to slip on a respectable jumper and change into some work trousers; they are now getting rather tight around her tummy, but she bares it. I think she shows more because she was skinny in the first place, which I am jealous of. She seems nervous again. Checking her tummy in the mirror. Joanne rubs her tummy gently; pulling a small, uncomfortable, face as she does. I walk up behind her and take her hands, which are still resting on her tummy. I stand behind her with my head on her shoulder and my arms around her.

"Joanne you are beautiful. Don't worry about your tummy. It's still gorgeous." A gentle tear rolls down her cheek. I'm a little taken aback. She usually says something like "Oh darling!" Or just dips her head and smiles. I know something is wrong when she cries. She hardly ever cries in front of me, let alone when I compliment her. "Pookie! Why are you crying?" I ask, turning her around to wipe the cold tear away.

"It's nothing baby." She replies dipping her head and pushing me away to busy her hands and head with doing her hair.

"No Joanne, what is it?" I stop her fiddling and she sighs at me. Like a "leave me alone" in that way that Joanne does when she doesn't want to talk about it, but in her head, knows she should. It isn't a mean sort of gesture, more a fed up noise. Like she's had enough of something.

"I just don't feel gorgeous... I don't! It's not beautiful if I don't have a flat tummy and I'm not skinny..." I can hear she is getting upset. I try not to let it get to me but it does. I just want her to smile and believe me that she is beautiful. I know I'm not one to talk but she is perfect to me!

"Joanne, I think you are beautiful and gorgeous and perfect! Trust me! Please?" I smile at her. Pleading for some sort of response but she just takes out her make up. She turns around almost blocking me out. But this time she doesn't shrug me away when I touch her. "Joanne..." I moan at her. "Please at least accept that I think you're beautiful? Even if you don't?" I try to find a compromise. "Meet halfway?" I turn my head to her, pouting a little, hoping that would break her down a little, at least to find a halfway judgement.

"Okay, fine, I'll do it for you honey-bear." She smiles at me. But continues with the make up. I just rest myself down on the bed and lay there. Watching her. She finishes her make up, rubs her tummy and kisses me goodbye for work. I'll miss her. I always do, but I know she has to do it.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Month 5

Joanne is quite obvious now. People have been speaking to her at work about it. Mark knows. That's what I'm nervous about. But then again, the whole crew know and seem very happy about it. Collins envies us and Mimi keeps complaining about getting broody. I didn't think she would be the type. But then I don't suppose I'm a motherly type either. Joanne is more perfect than ever. She is calming down physically and isn't feeling as sick. She looks gorgeous with her bump and she is eating properly again. I, for one, haven't been able to take my eyes off her. She is just so stunning. Children are beautiful things and the fact that Joanne is carrying our baby is just perfect in itself.

Joanne and I sit on the sofa. My head is resting on her shoulder and my hand is resting on her leg, relaxed with her hand holding mine. I feel completely content in how we are and Joanne seems to be too. The TV is on and we start to mumble about the morning we have had to each other.

This morning I didn't go with my gorgeous lady to the scan. I had to work! (You wouldn't believe.) I am teaching drama to kids. Yep. I am Miss Johnson in a drama school! I'm super exited to get started properly. I just had a training sort of 'test run' so they could see how I deal with the kids. Joanne came back and told me all is well and the baby is healthy. So I'm saying it's a good day for me.

"Maur!" Joanne flinches and ends up interrupting my story about my interview. She puts her hand on her lower tummy.

"What Pookie?" I sit bolt upright thinking immediately it's bad. I go into panic, protective mode taking her hand and calming her back down.

"No Maureen it's not bad it just… I think I felt it move." I sigh with relief that she's not in pain or upset. "It sort of felt like … um… butterflies. Like you get when you're exited as a child?" She stays tense but seems happy. I suppose it is strange having a baby move inside you. I wouldn't know but it can't be… normal? Joanne settles back down onto the sofa and I snuggle her back onto me smiling. I'm not sure what to say or do by this point. She just seems more relaxed than I thought. I rub her tummy gently to try and keep her content. She smiles gently at me and I know that she is okay. I still have a hovering thought in the back of my mind that this whole thing scares her.

"Pookie?" I ask quietly. I smile gently as she smiles back with raised eyebrows signifying me to go on. "Um, can I ask you something?" I tentatively enquire. She seems to take an internal deep breath before registering what I've said.

"Yes of course baby. What is it?" She seems to be relaxing a little bit and now I'm going to go and ask a stupid question. But then again I know if I don't ask it will bother me for the next week.

"Um, does this scare you?" I blurt out after some hesitation. She seems a little confused and I decide to re-phrase my question. "Does having a baby scare you?" I ask again more calmly this time. She seems to understand better now and takes a real deep breath before looking back at me and facing the question head on.

"Yes. If I'm honest. But then I want the baby so it's okay. I guess I'm scared of it going wrong and I'm scared of a part of me having emotional problems and I'm scared of the pain in birth! That is scary in its self but I really do want the baby Maureen and nothing will ever change that." She smiles back at me again. She doesn't seem to be able to control her facial features to let me on with any emotion. She's like a little robot. I stare into her gorgeous eyes trying to find any inkling of emotion.

"Oh okay… Jo are you okay baby?" I ask, trying to see if, then, I can at least read some sort of body language. I get nervous immediately when all I get is an 'hmm' and a nod from her before she stares back at the TV. "Oh Pookie, come on. Please?" I almost beg her to talk to me.

"I'm okay baby just nervous and tired. Honey-bear I promise I'm okay." She gives me a more convincing smile and I settle back into her. She feels soft and warm. I've missed this. When she was all over the place she didn't like me getting to cuddly as it would make her feel a little sick but now, she loves holding me again. It's nice to know her arms are around me and our baby is happy.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Month 6

Joanne is getting more and more emotional as time goes on. Something's getting to her, I can just tell. She won't tell me what it is but it's something, something bad. Her tummy is showing quite a bit now. I'm worried about the baby and I'm worried about her. When she flips out its hard to control her. I'm powerless. I usually just have to leave her for a bit and wait for her to turn mean on me, and then she comes crying back. That is the only way I can get through to her when she gets angry.

Joanne's eyes look misty. I can't help but notice. She's been this way for a while. She has a huge case coming up and I think she's getting nervous about it. The baby has also been moving and making her feel a little queasy. Not that I'd understand.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask gently. I know I wont get an honest response immediately.

"Nothing. I'm fine." She replies. Without emotion, she taps my hand as if to say she's alright, but I know she isn't.

"Sure?" I ask again, hoping for a more realistic answer. I hover my hand on top of hers to see if I will get a physical reaction but I get nothing.

"Leave it Maureen." She says as I go to ask her again. She heard me plucking up the courage. I don't know what to do. She gets up quickly and begins to cry.

"Joanne don't cry!" I ask desperately. Again. I am clueless of how to help her when she needs it. This is going to turn into another argument and we are going to fall apart again. This always happens. Then I get myself into a state and end up cutting or just crying myself sick. I don't meant to do it, it's only because I'm scared of losing her. I can't stand it. I couldn't lose her! She's my girlfriend, my soul mate… the only person I can spend my life with and if she flips out. She's not that same Joanne as she was when I met her. The level headed woman that she is, I thought she would be able to help herself but she renders herself helpless with panic. Then I'm helpless and useless.

I begin to get teary. I take her wrist in my hand, trying to see if it would calm her down to feel my touch. Try and show her I care and that I want to help.

"Maureen! Leave it!" She almost shouts at me now. I don't know what to do. I'm scared she will hurt herself.

"At least tell me what's wrong or I can't even attempt to help?" I snap at her. No! Nice one Maureen… snap back at an upset girlfriend. Well done.

"I can't do it and I'm stupid." She snaps back. At least I got an answer. She usually shuts off.

"You're not stupid Joanne! Stop it! Cut it out!" I scream at her desperately, I don't know what to do! I'm completely useless. Rendered helpless I start to cry and scratch on the palms of my hand in an effort to try and think of something. I don't know how it helps. I suppose it just does. I don't have to think about it too much. I don't know anything about her when she is like this. I don't understand her and I don't understand her head. She's a completely different person!

"I am Maureen! Shut up!" She storms off to our room. I flop down on the sofa. My head starts to work in fast forward. Everything is blurred and fast. I'll give her 5 minutes then I have to go back or I will worry. I immediately burst into frantic tears. I can't hold them back anymore. Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing her like this. She takes it out on me and it doesn't bother me it just makes me feel completely helpless. I don't know how to help. I know it makes me a bad girlfriend but… I'm struggling. I cam hold her up for so long but every now and then I just don't know what to say and I break down.

A couple minutes later I knock on the door. I get a silent return. I don't know what to do so I walk in. Joanne is just lying there crying, angry with herself and the world. It hurts me that she damages herself so much just because she falters or has a mental block for one reason or another. It scares me that she puts that much pressure on herself. I don't know what else to do with her. So I just go and take her so that I'm sitting behind her with one hand on her shoulder. She shrugs it off. I start to cry. I have no hope at helping her. I refuse to leave her alone in the room but I back off so that she has space.

20 minutes pass. My head has reeled so much it hurts. My eyes are puffy with crying. I am curled up in a ball on a chair in the corner of the room. I get up to get a tissue to try and stop my face from stinging from the horrible, hot, burning tears searing down my face. Joanne rustles but I don't turn around. The next moment I feel her wrapping her arms around me from behind. I stand there. We hug. We cry. The fear lingers in my head but at least I have her back. Physically anyway.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Month 7

With the last month being tears or complete ecstasy I'm not sure how to deal with Joanne anymore. I still love her to bits but I'm confused as to how to help her. She's very all over the place; she's been manic. So much so that I haven't known what to do myself. I suppose its mood swings. Hormonal, pregnancy stuff. I may have to leave it down to that; I won't hurt my head by trying to work out what's actually causing it.

Joanne is very noticeable now; her tummy is now a proper bump. It took a little longer to develop than I thought it would. Maybe that's just me being inpatient. I think she looks more beautiful than ever. Everyday she gets more perfect. It's hard for me to explain how much I love her but one thing I do know is that she is my woman, she is worth the universe and I love her. Joanne is an absolute darling and I couldn't and wouldn't change her for anyone else.

After the scan this morning we settled on a name. We are having a girl and her name is Daisy. She is perfect. Daisy Paiton Jefferson. It fits. I like it. I love it. I love her already and I can't even hold her yet. Daisy will be beautiful. She just will. Because she is Joanne's baby and she is mine. She is our baby girl. She is our daughter.

Joanne is lying, curled into a little ball on the sofa, not foetal, cute more than anything. She seems content enough with the blanket and pillows surrounding her like a mini barricade. I pick up her feet and sit down, putting them on my lap. She shuffles around so her head is on my legs. I slowly start to stroke her hair – it's untied, loose, showering over my legs like a beautiful waterfall - she starts to hum gently to herself; it seems to sooth her. I can tell she's not right; she's not usually welcoming towards me taking control. She likes to know how everything is and she likes to be able to control it. Not in a way that it smothers me. She just likes to be dominant and look after me. Make sure I'm safe.

I take a risk. Joanne hates me touching her tummy but I slowly take one of my hands down and rest it on the side of her bump. She doesn't say anything or flinch, in face, I don't get a reaction at all. I take her stillness as a sign to carry on. I try my luck. I begin to rub my thumb, slowly, back and forth against her tummy. Again she doesn't move. I can feel the baby inside her. I can feel Daisy pressing against Joanne's soft, sweet, skin. I smile gently. She's letting me in. She's letting me touch her tummy. That's all I could ever ask of her. Throughout the pregnancy she has been very hesitant about me touching her tummy and shoots anyone else with an evil glare if they try. I feel privileged that she's let me in.

"Maur baby?" She finally asks, not seeming upset, so I carry on rubbing. It doesn't seem related to my rubbing or she would have stopped me. Right?

"Yes Pookie?" I say, looking down at her mocha skin, which is now a little damp from sweat; she's been burning up all day. It sooths me to know she's reaching out… I think.

"I'm sorry about the last month... I've been awful baby. I don't like putting pressure on you -" she says lying down so she's looking at the ceiling. I cut her off.

"No Joanne. You've just been pregnant! You're all hormonal and stressed. It's all right darling, I understand. I've got you pookie." She gives in. I don't get a reply. I get a cosy nuzzle and she takes my hand. I'll consider myself forgiven; I don't usually get away with basically telling her that she's being over-sensitive.

This is the control thing though. She needs control; I've taken it from her because she's been down. What she doesn't understand is that sometimes it makes me feel better to know that she's right there and I actually can look after her. Now she's beginning to come right again she wants the control back. But I'm not going to give it to her just yet. I like holding her. I like holding the mother of my baby.

Although she seems content enough, I know something is still at her. I don't know how else to put across I'm worried without her getting upset. There isn't a way. The baby is safe and she's not pushing me away. What else can I say? She is gorgeous and she's not showing signs of crashing. This is my imagination. This is me over thinking. But then again, 2 months left. Then our baby will be here. She will be perfect.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Month 8

Joanne is big now; she looks perfect. She is perfect. Joanne is off work now because the stress is actually causing breakdowns at work… She's got a year off now but she will be helping around to earn money. My job as a drama teacher is now steady and Joanne seems happy with it. She's just emotional and having very odd cravings, but overall she's well and so is Daisy. The name stuck.

Joanne leans across the sofa towards me; resting her head on my shoulder. I take my arm round her so she is resting her head on the side of my chest. She's warm and cuddly. I like it when she's happy. We mutter stupid comments at the film that a teenager would do - because we can – and we occasionally giggle as we catch each other's eyes. We are actually like teenagers. Not that I'll argue. It's fun!

The film finishes and Joanne gets up to get her water. I watch after her, checking out her bum and just keeping in mind that she's pregnant. Joanne has always had a nice bum. I sometimes sit and wonder how I got someone as perfect as her. Actually, I always wonder how I got someone as perfect as her. Hmm I wonder what it will be like with baby Daisy. Will we still have moments like this? Will we still be able to be 'girlfriendy'? As long as I have her I don't care. I have been worried about her though. Mentally she's been having very quick and very sudden highs and lows. It sometimes seems like nothing sets her off. She just breaks down. Although, maybe she will be okay once Daisy is born and it all settles down.

As she sits back down I curl up beside Joanne, snuggling tightly into her. Oh heck, now she will notice I'm all clingy… and she will ask me why I'm clingy and realise something's up and then worry and cause herself more stress than she needs to. And it will all be my fault. Nice one Maureen. Great work there. Right on cue…

"Maur darling, are you okay?" just as I said; she knows. Always. No matter what I do she knows. I sit tight.

"Nothing baby, why?" I ask. Hiding my own fears of her knowing. I usually tell her everything but when we are having a happy moment I don't want to ruin it. I like it when she's happy and I'll do anything to keep it that way. I don't want to screw everything up now. I want to leave it happy. I want to make her happy and make sure she stays happy. I want the happy moment to last that teeny bit longer.

"You're um… You're very clingy. And baby, you're shaking." She replies. It's over. I can't lie my way out of this one. I didn't even notice I was shaking. That's how bad I've got. I don't even know if I'm shaking anymore. I'm worried about a relapse. I can't do that to Joanne! But I'm going off the rails! I'm losing it! I can't lose it! I'm Maureen Johnson!

"I'm fine." I say more definitely than I should have done. Right I'm done. I'm screwed. She knows now. She always knows. Almost always anyway. She hasn't noticed for the last couple weeks; I've been good at hiding it. If I let it out in the shower she won't know because water pours down my face anyway. Make up covers a good job of it too. I've been doing this for weeks now. Hiding it from her. Then I will relapse and scare the heck out of her again.

"No Maureen you're not. What is it?" she replies sympathetically. She knows not to push it. She rubs my side to try and calm me down. Crap its rough and she will notice. "Maur-" she lifts up my top. I flinch and pull it back down.

"No Joanne!" I scream as I leap off the sofa. I can't stand it. She's seen. I run off to our room and lock myself in the bathroom.

"Maureen! You've cut! Come here! You can't just run away from me baby!" I hear her trying not to cry through the door. She's worried about me. I'm going to relapse. I need to. I pull out anything sharp and slash my leg with it. It's not deep. She needn't worry about it. But she will. She always does. The lock on the door starts to come lose. Why did I teach her to pick locks? Stupid thing to do! Now my leg is bleeding and she will see and it's all over. I've done it. I've messed it all up.

Joanne comes into the room, rips the blade off me - almost cutting herself by accident – and begins to cry.

"Maureen! Darling! Stop! Stop for Christ sake!" She cried at me. I burst into tears. She hugs me. I don't want to hug her back. But I do. I don't know why I do. But I do. Her comfort. Not mine.

Once I've stopped crying and I'm clean, Joanne leaves me for a moment. She goes and gets some hot chocolate. We sit in silence. She won't say anymore. She will cry and stress is not good for her. I'll be better at hiding it next time.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Month 9

Joanne is due next week… That's a scary thought. Baby Daisy Paiton Jefferson will be brought into the world soon. Joanne seems to be getting pains and things already… That's a concern I have. She doesn't seem too bothered.

I walk in from work, throw my coat and bag down and plop down on the sofa next to her, kissing her head to say 'hello'.

"How was work baby?" She asks. Looking tired, she lies down on my shoulder for comfort. I swing my arm around so that she's resting more on my chest. That's more comfortable for both of us.

"Good, some talented kids in the class. They're amazing! For their age I mean. I might do some tutoring privately. You know, like singing lessons and such, for extra money. We might need it soon. How are you and Daisy?" I ask politely, moving on from the fact that my day has been fairly uneventful other than having two kids who are decent.

"We're fine. She's causing me grief though honey-bear. I don't suppose we should go in? To the hospital I mean…" I sit a little stunned. She doesn't look as though she's in pain but I can see on her face she's worried. Then a small glint of pain shimmers over her face.

"Pookie… What sort of pain is it?" My immediate thought is early contractions. But I think she would know about it if her water had broken. Then again, a week early isn't that uncommon.

"I don't know how to describe it… I suppose… contractions…" Her voice fades away so I can hardly hear the last word. But I know what she's said instantly. I know what she means and I know what I have to do about it. I immediately get up.

"Right pookie, come on baby, I'm taking you in. Even if it's not what we think, I'm not taking any risks." I reply grabbing our coats and helping her up gently. I slip her coat over her shoulders before putting mine on. I lead Joanne gently out the door and we take the lift down, get into the car and I start to drive. The car journey is silent the entire way, only occasionally broken by Joanne sniffing or wincing slightly.

Once we arrive at the maternity department, I help her out of the car and we get on the lift to the doctor who we have been told to do to if there are any concerns. We make our way down the white halls to find that he is free. Thank goodness. I think it would be torture waiting. We knock on the slightly open door. A small "come in" is muttered and we enter the small room with a bed in the middle. It looks like some sort of dentist with a flat bed rather than a chair. The doctor automatically points Joanne to the bed.

"Okay, so what's the issue?" asks the old man sat in a white coat. He looks directly at me for the answer even though it's clearly Joanne we have come about.

"Um, Joanne has been having pains…" I start to explain. Just as I do, a perky midwife knocks on the door and is granted entry. I recognise her immediately.

"Oh hello Joanne, sorry to interrupt, I just have some files that I need to give to Doctor Jhona." She turns back around to address the Doctor. "Okay, these are for you and those are Joanne's." She turns back around to leave, smiling warmly at Joanne, and then she stops at me. "Maureen darling, if she's having contractions keep her in. I thought this one might be early. I'll come back and check on you later. Stay in the café for me? Yeah?" She looks at me seriously.

"Yeah, sure. We will wait for you. Thanks." She winks at me and leaves. She's the midwife who's been looking after Joanne for the past 9 months and even before that. I smile at her as she leaves.

"Okay, well it looks from the records you're due next week, I believe?" the Doctor asks Joanne.

"Yes, and I'm having pains so-" He cuts her off.

"Alright, well if you're having pains, let's have a look shall we?" He calls back the midwife and he leaves. She brings with her the Ultrasound machine and they gently check Joanne. Things seem to me in order… to my eye anyway. The midwife, who had been in before, explains that - as we thought – the baby is merely early. It seems to be contractions. But there is something wrong to her eyes. She also notices that the baby is the wrong way round. Her head isn't down. She explains that we could try and turn it around… or she can have a caesarean section. That basically means an operation rather than a natural birth… Joanne decides on the C-section.

"Alright so I'll take you down to the maternity ward, but your water hasn't broken yet? Has it?" She kindly asks.

"No it hasn't. Thanks Louise." Joanne replies. She seems much more at ease with me holding her hand and having this midwife looking after her. The Doctor was a little bit creepy. I kiss Joanne's soft lips as she is getting up. She gives me a nervous look. I smile at her and cuddle her for a bit. It's going to be okay.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

Joanne opens her eyes. It's 5 hours after she went in. I'm holding Daisy. She's gorgeous. Perfect in every single way. I love her just as much as I love Joanne. As Joanne sees me sat on the chair in the corner of the ward, she smiles.

"Hey Maur." She catches my attention.

"Oh hey baby, how are you doing gorgeous?" I ask walking slowly over to her with my gorgeous, mocha-coloured baby in my arms.

"Sore but yeah, I'm alright. How is she?" Joanne smiles at me. I can see she wants to hold her. I slowly rest Daisy down into her arms and Joanne starts to weep.

"She's perfectly healthy- Oh baby!" Tears start to spread down her face like little pearls. She may be dressed up in hospital pyjamas and not at all groomed but they still paint a perfect picture.

I love them. This is the beginning of our family. A family, whom I can love, cherish and care for. They are my own, my beautiful Joanne and my baby Daisy.

The End


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